I've been invited to write an occasional column for this here website thingy. I must admit that I don't know too much about websites - I thought they were a place where spiders lived. Mrs the Lark has actually banned me from using the internet after she caught me looking at a website containing fit birds. I tried to explain that I was simply trying to find a site which featured fellow health-conscious larks, but she was having none of it. Wouldn't let me me back on the nest for weeks, she wouldn't.
Anyroadup, firstly I would like to talk about our new Australian friend Pete Smith. What sort of name is 'Pete Smith'? He's an Aussie for God's sake - I thought he'd be called Bruce Wollabrawonga or Shane Didgeridoo, or something like that. Mind you, after seeing the terrible shot he got out to on Saturday against Havant I think a few of his team-mates came up with plenty of new names for him!
Secondly, I can exclusively reveal why Nick Lee hasn't been playing
much cricket recently. As the photo clearly shows, Nick is in fact none
other than the new Doctor Who!
Obviously, all that time travel and
fighting off the Daleks and Cybermen means that Nick simply hasn't got
the time to play cricket. Although it makes me wonder why Nick can
quite comfortably travel back and forward through time to a faraway
galaxy, but not manage to get to Woodside for a 2pm start! Apparently,
just like the famous Time Lord, Nick's box is deceptively spacious too!
What the hell has happened to the flagpoles outside the clubhouse? I used to love watching my beloved Lymo whilst perched up on top of them. I used to spend hours and hours up there watching Jacko trying to get off the mark. But for some unknown reason, the flagpoles seem to have sunk about 10 feet into the ground and now I can get a better view of the game sat on top of Ali Iles head! Indeed, the flagpoles are so short that they've been christened Adie and Martin.
In a couple of weeks time Lymo are due to visit our local rivals Bashley in the President's Cup semi-final. The atmosphere that night should be electric. Mind you, with those cables across the ground, I guess it always is. Of course, the match will bring us face-to-face for the first time with my former favourite player Glyn Treehouse. Although Glyn left Lymington on friendly terms, there have been many other cases of famous sportsmen joining their bitter enemies in less than amicable circumstances. Here are a few examples...
1) 1973: Dennis Law joins Manchester City from United. A big similarity here with the Treagus situation as both Glyn and Dennis had very bad mullet hairstyles.
2) 2001: Luis Figo leaves Barcelona to join Real Madrid. Such was the feeling of betrayal amongst the Barca faithful that on Figo's return to the Nou Camp they threw pigs' heads at him. Do they sell pork scratchings at Bashley, I wonder. (only joking!)
3) 1989: Maurice Johnston joins Rangers. The former Celtic striker achieved the unique distinction of uniting both sides of the religious divide in Glasgow - both sets of supporters hated him!!!
4) 2004: Harry Redknapp leaves Pompey to join Saints. And we all know how that one ended up!
5) 1939: Hitler signs a Non-Aggression Pact with Stalin. Unbelievable as it now seems, the bitter enemies from opposite ends of the ideological spectrum actually signed a peace pact before the start of the war. Now I'm not for one moment suggesting that the respective Bashley and Lymington Chairmen get together and annex Sway and Hordle, build a great big wall with minefields across Silver Street and set up a machine gun post at Gordleton Mill to stop Bashley nicking any more of our players, but it's food for thought!
Has anyone been watching the Women's Euro football tournament recently? What a load of old rubbish! Eleven girls prancing round a football field . . . it's just like watching Southampton! Now I believe that women do have a place in sport. After all, someone has to wash the kit. But the goalkeepers are just useless - everything goes straight over their heads (add your own joke here, lads!). And can you imagine the gridlock around the stadiums as 20,000 women all try to find a car parking space at the same time? Mayhem!
By the way, if any of you fans out there have any questions you would like me to answer, you are more than are welcome to write to me at the usual address (Larry the Lark, Third Branch on the Left, The Big Tree, The Sports Ground, Lymington). In fact, one worried member of Lymington CC has already written in to ask my advice on a delicate matter:
I'm worried that I don't get my name mentioned often enough in the local press. What should I do?
From: Mr P Tapper, Peter Tapper House, Peter Tapper Road, Petertappertown, Tapshire
Larry says: Well Mr Tapper, having read a recent match report in the A&T (Advertiser & Tapper) and seen your full name mentioned three times in just a few lines, I don't think there seems to be a serious problem. However, if you continue to be concerned, you could always ask Tony Wharton for advice as he always manages to get his own name in match reports even though he hasn't actually played in a cricket match for five years!
Talking of Wobbly Wharton, I notice that the old chap has been selected to appear in ITV's latest reality TV show 'Celebrity Hip Replacement Island'. The programme will feature old timers Bruce Forsyth, Beryl Reid, veteran stargazer Patrick Moore and Blakey off 'On The Buses' who will compete at various activities such as cross-stitch, crochet and dominos to decide who wins the fabulous first prize of a Stannah Stair Lift. I can't wait!
Ah well, that's all for now. Keep supporting the mighty Lymo!